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| Sunday, 25-Mar-2012 20:41 |
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happy birthday chua. hope all is going awesomes for you. here's wishing you love & light wherever you are 
aye i saw the notification. bt me lappy's weird. it doesn't allow me to post statuses/comments on fb.
randomly stumbled on ga's season four last epi: freedom
still has e same effect on me, must say. cried buckets. 
funny too cos i was just searching for tt lovely song with the words coffee and cigarettes in its lyrics and i couldnt find anything even when i googled everything anything i could remember about it.
if i hadnt caught tt epi, i wouldnt have known ida maria existed. or tt she sang Keep Me Warm.
asdfghjklove once told me that if ever i feel like shit, i should just go take a nap.
and so after me first car accident (ohh yes there's always a first for everything in life and all its glory), i reached home plopped meself in front of the telly and let meself fall asleep.
i can officially enter me into the I'm-an-experienced-driver-trust-me-i-am list.
a few hours later i woke up from dreamland all lovely and good and alive.
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| Monday, 19-Mar-2012 23:59 |
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an old good friend texted me a happy birthday last week.
i nearly wanted to tell her i miss her. hah
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| Monday, 12-Mar-2012 21:30 |
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havent been here since eons im surprised e password came naturally. Alhamdulillah.
2012. today i turn 27.
may i do many great things in the years i have left in this world insyAllah.
today i am grateful i have mama baba ira ika abg ayie bb put bb ariq.
Alhamdulillah syukur berkat nikmat Tuhan.
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| Sunday, 15-May-2011 22:55 |
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I only have one heart, but it loves like four and breaks like three and, among other things, I am constantly having to remind myself of that. There is so much more that I have lost track of. Like the pages that have yet to be torn, the stinging papercuts that need tending to, the silver that isn’t allowed to hang between my collarbones, the chips of plastic and glass that need to be scraped from the driveway, the flashbacks that my fingers crave to write about and my eyes plead to see again. It’s clear that my entire body is fighting against forgetting, striving to cling with white fingers to the moments that were once mine, but when I can breathe steadily again, when my pulse is constant and the air rushing down my throat is able to replenish my sinking chest, I see clearly that there is nothing left in my most intricate parts to give, nothing in me that can cling to what isn’t supposed to be mine to think about, and that there isn’t room for the souls that have already chosen to leave.
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| Saturday, 7-May-2011 09:55 |
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5.They cut you down in weird quiet ways. This made it difficult to call them out on their behavior because the comments would be so backhanded and fleeting that you would miss your opportunity to address it. By the time you actually realized you were verbally assaulted, the words had run out the back door. For a time, you might’ve thought you were reading into things and being too sensitive . No. They’re just a big fat jerk who gets off on making you feel bad.
6.They lied. They were the epitome of false advertising. They weren’t what you signed up for. You wanted funny, sweet, and thoughtful, and they gave it to you for as long as they needed. Then when they realized they had you, they switched. They became the opposite of what you adored. This devastated you and made you wonder how people are able to adapt a personality and then leave it on the side of the road when it’s no longer convenient? You can’t fathom presenting something different from who you truly are. Lesson learned: People are crazy.
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| Sunday, 27-Mar-2011 08:55 |
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feist speaks to me
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the saddest part of a broken heart
isnt the ending so much as the start
it was hard to tell just how i felt
to not recognize myself
now i know what i dont want
i learned that with you
this is not about me saying that you or you or you were right all along.
this is not about me regretting anything.
this is just me acknowledging that, such is life.
inna lillah. hamdalah.
dunia ni hanya senda gurau je.
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| Thursday, 10-Mar-2011 23:53 |
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i dont think anyone know
how small little gestures small little words a lovely thought shared with me,
even if its on e world wide web,
how much these small little things mean a whole lot.
so thank you.
thank you, dear friend. for remembering me. for taking time to write on my wall.
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| Friday, 11-Feb-2011 10:38 |
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DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #64: Tiny Beautiful Things
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Dear Sugar,
I read your column religiously. I’m 22. From what I can tell by your writing, you’re in your early 40s. My question is short and sweet: what would you tell your 20-something self if you could talk to her now?
Love,
Seeking Wisdom
Dear Seeking Wisdom,
Stop worrying about whether you’re fat. You’re not fat. Or rather, you’re sometimes a little bit fat, but who gives a shit? There is nothing more boring and fruitless than a woman lamenting the fact that her stomach is round. Feed yourself. Literally. The sort of people worthy of your love will love you more for this, sweet pea.
In the middle of the night in the middle of your twenties when your best woman friend crawls naked into your bed, straddles you, and says, You should run away from me before I devour you, believe her.
You are not a terrible person for wanting to break up with someone you love. You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. Leaving doesn’t mean you’re incapable of real love or that you’ll never love anyone else again. It doesn’t mean you’re morally bankrupt or psychologically demented or a nymphomaniac. It means you wish to change the terms of one particular relationship. That’s all. Be brave enough to break your own heart.
When that really sweet but fucked up gay couple invites you over to their cool apartment to do ecstasy with them, say no.
There are some things you can’t understand yet. Your life will be a great and continuous unfolding. It’s good you’ve worked hard to resolve childhood issues while in your twenties, but understand that what you resolve will need to be resolved again. And again. You will come to know things that can only be known with the wisdom of age and the grace of years. Most of those things will have to do with forgiveness.
One evening you will be rolling around on the wooden floor of your apartment with a man who will tell you he doesn’t have a condom. You will smile in this spunky way that you think is hot and tell him to fuck you anyway. This will be a mistake for which you alone will pay.
Don’t lament so much about how your career is going to turn out. You don’t have a career. You have a life. Do the work. Keep the faith. Be true blue. You are a writer because you write. Keep writing and quit your bitching. Your book has a birthday. You don’t know what it is yet.
You cannot convince people to love you. This is an absolute rule. No one will ever give you love because you want him or her to give it. Real love moves freely in both directions. Don’t waste your time on anything else.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.
One hot afternoon during the era in which you’ve gotten yourself ridiculously tangled up with heroin you will be riding the bus and thinking what a worthless piece of crap you are when a little girl will get on the bus holding the strings of two purple balloons. She’ll offer you one of the balloons, but you won’t take it because you believe you no longer have a right to such tiny beautiful things. You’re wrong. You do.
Your assumptions about the lives of others are in direct relation to your naïve pomposity. Many people you believe to be rich are not rich. Many people you think have it easy worked hard for what they got. Many people who seem to be gliding right along have suffered and are suffering. Many people who appear to you to be old and stupidly saddled down with kids and cars and houses were once every bit as hip and pompous as you.
When you meet a man in the doorway of a Mexican restaurant who later kisses you while explaining that this kiss doesn’t “mean anything” because, much as he likes you, he is not interested in having a relationship with you or anyone right now, just laugh and kiss him back. Your daughter will have his sense of humor. Your son will have his eyes.
The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming.
One Christmas at the very beginning of your twenties when your mother gives you a warm coat that she saved for months to buy, don’t look at her skeptically after she tells you she thought the coat was perfect for you. Don’t hold it up and say it’s longer than you like your coats to be and too puffy and possibly even too warm. Your mother will be dead by spring. That coat will be the last gift she gave you. You will regret the small thing you didn’t say for the rest of your life.
Say thank you.
Yours,
Sugar
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| Thursday, 10-Feb-2011 11:20 |
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yesterday at al-iman.
hang out with nyayi and her friend.
after isyak, headed home.
at the main entrance, crossed paths with this young dude
all dressed in white, complete with his white turban or whatever it is you call it.
i mean, i understand certain dress codes are meant to imply certain things.
i shant judge.
if that's not enough, there was a black mark on his forehead.
again, i am keeping my comments to meself.
anyhoos, the actual point of this entry,
is that me and him, our eyes met each other.
weird much. hah ok actually its sweet. (very da embarrassing tt me nyayi noticed this moment and made dis funny face da wc made me blush ohmegosh)
first man to notice me in hijab.
i must say its a new feeling ah new experience.
he was looking at me. my face. my eyes to be exact.
he was not looking at what i wore, my hair or my body or how tight my clothes were or my cute ass ke. i mean, everything's covered up anyways there's nothing to see.
that is the big difference between then and now.
and the difference, the feeling, its hah definitely a wow.
you can even say its awesome.
and no i wasnt flirting or in any need for attention.
this has nothing to do with such.
im happy with my man.
ok you know what; i cant explain it la.
it is just amazing that physicality was absent. that all im giving ok showing of myself is my face and hands. and then to have a weird eye-meets-eye moment with a dude, its just nice. and sweet.
you know, its like face value. this is it. what you see is what you get. take it or leave it.
you know, like herein lies a man who appreciates a humble woman.
i know i am talking crap.
next time this happens insyaAllah, i should smile.
see if anyone smiles back anots. hahahahahahahs
who knows thens can exchange numbers ke. salam salam salam 
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| Wednesday, 9-Feb-2011 09:06 |
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Some People You’ll Never Be Able To Have Lunch With
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Ryan O' Connell's article on ThoughtCatalog
i so have to post this up here. its just heh A-awesome. and blardy funny, if you happen to have a funny bone.
Some people are the perfect lunch partner. Your relationship exists within the blissful confines of a scheduled meal wherein you can catch up on where the other person is working and who they’re fucking. They’ve been in your life a long time. They were with you the first time you got drunk and threw up all over your mom’s car. They knew every detail of your high school relationship, your first love or whatever. At one point in time, you didn’t have to schedule something every few months to inform them of the happenings of your life because they were with you as it was actually going on.
But things change. You know this. I know this. That’s the way life goes. Friends slowly lose their relevancy and it’s a sad thing. They become a casualty of time (or lack thereof) and the only way to keep them on is to have these lunches, to have these talks when you can feel close again for a moment. It leaves a little ache in your stomach, a little feeling of “We’re getting older. Fuck me,” but overall these lunches are positive and necessary. Wouldn’t you agree? Yes, I thought so.
I’m not really here to talk about the people you can get lunch with. I’m here to talk about the other ones, the people who you’re incapable of sitting down with over some iced tea and club sandwiches on a bright sunny Saturday afternoon and talk about romances and career goals and the weather. These are the people who meant the most to you and now they have to mean nothing. There’s no other choice. These are the people you can have no in-between with. Maybe it’s because you loved them too much at one time and they didn’t love you enough. Maybe they acted as your second family until something horrible happened that split an irrevocable line down the middle. I’m talking about the first person you were able to love and adore or the first best friend who acted as the peanut butter to your jelly. These kinds of relationships can’t have a subtle dissolve. The passing of time can’t chip away at the relationship with precision, until one day you wake up and realize it’s been reduced to bits of chalk. If that were the case, you could have lunch with them and try to salvage things. After all, there had been no blunt trauma. You had been asleep when the friendship turned to mush. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You can resuscitate it over a series of meetings. There’s hope.
If it were only that easy for every relationship that got away from you. The people you’ll never be able to have lunch with are the ones that didn’t have a happy ending. They exploded right in front of you and caused a loss of appetite, a night of heavy drinking, a regrettable exchange of words. The key difference here is blame. The dissolution of a monumental relationship always carries blame. It has to. Who wants to take responsibility for the death of something so special? Oh, you wish you could pinpoint it on something vague. Maybe something like conflicting schedules, new significant other, change of location. But this isn’t possible with the people that once defined your life. Something nasty has to have expunged them from your life. Otherwise, wouldn’t they still be there?
Let’s say you did have lunch with this person. What would happen? I’ll tell you. You would meet them somewhere neutral on a day that was unseasonably warm and make sure you looked your absolute best. When you saw them from far away, your stomach would instantly drop into a puddle on the floor of the restaurant. It would stare back at you, now separated from your body, and say, “Why the fuck did you do this? You knew it would kill me. You knew I would be lying here on the floor the second you saw them. Put me back into your body!”
During the lunch, you order salad and don’t eat it. You struggle to talk about anything with the person who once was your everything. It won’t be easy. Watching the people pass by with their friends and lovers in front of the restaurant having their moment together, it would become clear that that kind of moment no longer belongs to you and this person. Looking at their face would be too unsettling so you’d spend an inordinate amount of time stirring the sugar into your drink and watching it fade. Once that’s finished, you’d have to fixate on someone else in the restaurant. Maybe a little boy who’s screaming for food or an attractive young professional. Everything they would say to you would sound like static except for one thing: “Let’s get the check.” When you leave, you’d pick up your exasperated stomach from the floor and try to push it back in. It might not fit right for the next hour or so.
See? I told you. You can’t get lunch with these sorts of people. It’ll be like picking a scab that’s about to heal. Some endings are more painful than others and far more permanent. It’s hard to settle for a lightweight lunch-filled relationship when it used to be so much more than that. But like I said, that’s the way life goes. You know this. I know this. Check, please.
i still remember about the dinner i want/ed to have with you. but yeah ryan listed down perfectly how it would or may turn out. perhaps someday somewhen. for now, i wish you love and light
anyhoos, i dreamt that you're preggie. and if this is true, then its just Awesome news teehee  if its not, at least i dreamt.
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